Dean and I rather quickly made it through all eHarmony's communication steps and started messaging each other in January (2012). Through these messages, we learned a lot about each other. Dean had already earned his bachelor's degree but had returned to college to take the prerequisites he needed to apply to graduate programs in speech-language pathology. Simultaneously, he held a full-time job in the very field that I was studying. He was handsome, held interesting conversations (or as far as I could tell, being email and all), shared some of my geeky interests including Star Trek, seemed to have an active and fun social life, and had served in the military. I admit that the military thing was appealing to me, and it was entirely because of Jesse.
I'm sure I shared equally fascinating things about myself. Or so I hope. Anyway, being the busy graduate student that I was (and still am), I didn't have the time to pour over my eHamony communications every day and pay every suitor the obsessive amount of attention I know some of them would have preferred. Days would sometimes go by without me even opening the webpage, and I certainly didn't have the time to write my matches thoughtful and lengthy emails every day. However, I was interested in Dean so I made time for him when I could - even though it wasn't every day.
Dean and I regularly emailed throughout January, usually a day or two between messages. One week was a particularly busy week at school for me, and I didn't even realize that three days had gone by since I last emailed Dean. Rather than politely reminding me or simply saying hi or - better yet - having some patience, Dean sent me another message:
"I was just thinking about you and realize that you're a beautiful, smart, and fun person who likely dates a lot of men. You seem like the flirtatious type. I don't know why you'd be on a dating site like this other than for fun and amusement. [...]"
He continued to imply that I couldn't possibly be interested in him and I was just playing on eHarmony for shits and giggles. How do I even respond to this? That could not be further from the truth. I found it odd and offensive that he would jump to conclusions so quickly and accuse me of such things without even asking me about it. Wouldn't it have made more sense to say, "Hey, haven't heard from you in a few days. Hope all is well," or something of that nature? After giving the situation some thought, I decided to just reply honestly and to give him the benefit of a doubt. After all, he was new to online dating too; maybe he didn't realize how big of a dick he was painting himself to be. In my response, I told him how I did not in fact date much, how the last and only guy I dated hurt me, and how I started my eHarmony profile to help me find someone new. (I never told him about my virgin status though.) I also informed him that I did not appreciate him jumping to conclusions about me. In a redeeming manner, he responded apologetically and then continued conversation as before.
After this incident, I decided that we probably needed more communication in order to avoid miscommunication. A date would have been best but we lived four hours apart so that wasn't an option yet. I did, however, add him on Facebook and give him my number. Please don't turn out to be a psycho stalker freak, you possibly fake internet man. A couple days later, I received a call from an unrecognized number and knew it had to be him.
"Hi... it's Dean."
"Hi, Dean. Good to hear your voice!"
*Laughs* "Likewise. So... you made a lamp today?"
Okay, so we had kind-of an awkward start. He was referring to a lamp shade I had made that day and posted a picture of on Facebook. But hey, online dating in general is awkward, and conversing with a stranger is hard, so no judgment. Then, given that we were already talking about Facebook, he naturally shifted the conversation in this direction:
"So... you have a lot of photos of yourself on Facebook."
Hey, wait, that's not the natural way to start a conversation with someone you're speaking to for the first time ever...
"Oh, yeah, that's because taking photos is one of my favorite things to do, and sharing them is fun."
"Let's see... there are over 900 photos of you.
"*Laugh* Yeah, I believe it. I do take an obsessive amount of photos, much to the chagrin of my friends. They're hardly all pictures of me though... If there are 900 of me, there are probably at least 5,000 of other people."
"Oh... yeah, I guess I didn't click on your albums. I was thinking, 'Uh oh... what is this about?'"
Seriously? You only select "photos of [my name]" and then judge me when they're all photos of me? How is that fair? Not to mention, most of the photos you're referring to are pictures of me with my friends. Maybe he just doesn't use Facebook much though and doesn't know how the photo tab works.
Conversation shifted to other topics and quickly became less forced, and we actually ended up having a pleasant conversation that lasted for about an hour. Overall, it was a nice and enjoyable conversation but, afterward, I found myself questioning my Facebook content. Is it vain to have all these photos of myself on here? Maybe I should delete half the ones that have myself in them and just keep all the ones of my friends and family.
Dean texted me the next day to ask what I was up to and how my day was going. How nice! He's thinking of me. It feels nice to be thought of by someone again. After telling some silly anecdotes about each of our days, Dean switched the topic.
"Why haven't you dated much?"
I'm 26. That's certainly a legitimate question. But why do I feel so uncomfortable that he's asking?
"I don't know, I guess it just hasn't happened for me. I don't actively avoid dating."
"It's a quandary how you dodged the dating scene for so long. I feel you have a lot to offer."
Wow... that's nice. No guy has ever said that to me before.
"Thanks. That's very nice of you to say. :)"
Dean called me a couple days later, which I was very happy about. We were already more comfortable with each other, which was evident in the ensuing effortless conversation. However, during the middle of what was otherwise quality phone bonding time, he threw in more references to my lack of dating history. There was no positive spin on it like last time; instead, he reiterated how surprising that fact was and proceeded to lecture me on what I should be doing to gain more dating experience. I should go out more. I should talk to more guys online. I should be seeking dates. I should ask my friends to set me up with people. I should be doing anything I possibly could to gain more dating experience because I really needed said experience. All of this advice and all of these "shoulds" - when I never asked for his input nor did I indicate any dissatisfaction with my life (other than the original comment I made a while back about having difficulty getting over Jesse).Why is this so important to him? Does he think there's something wrong with me? IS there something wrong with me?
In texts and in phone calls, Dean continued to bring up the topic of my dating history. He further elaborated by stating how much more experience he had than I did, how he had nearly been engaged, and how he didn't understand why I "had chosen not to date." Ugh. I wish I would have never even told this guy about my dating history.What is the big deal? I spent a lot of time with Jesse... that counts. And a relationship just hasn't happened for me yet; it's not like I treat dating like the plague and run screaming from every guy who approaches me. Even if I DID, then he should feel all the more special that I'm showing an interest in him.
Although his attitude was largely just annoying and confusing, it was also hurtful. I felt like he was defining me and my worth based on the quantity of men I had dated and reaching negative conclusions about me due to my lack of romantic relationships. Worse, I listened. Am I freakish for entering the dating scene at age 25? Maybe it IS weird that I haven't had a relationship yet. Is he bothered by this because he thinks no guy has ever wanted me? Does he think some personal characteristic has prevented me from finding a relationship? Maybe that's true...
Regarding personal criticisms about me, Dean didn't stop at dating. He also graciously bestowed upon me his infinite wisdom of "skinny girls'" personalities promptly after announcing that he thought I looked skinny, judging from my pictures. Skinny girls are materialistic. Skinny girls are dramatic. Skinny girls are vain. Skinny girls don't know how to enjoy life because they have a phobia of ice cream cones.
"Is this what you think of me?"
"No, I was talking about skinny girls."
"You just said that I was skinny."
"Well, that's just what I thought at first when I saw your pictures."
"Well, I'm glad that you don't think these things about me anymore, but I don't appreciate you criticizing me at any point in time."
"I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."
Maybe he means that... maybe he'll stop saying things like this now.
While I once looked forward to talking to Dean and felt happy after our conversations, I soon just felt insecure. I'd leave our conversations with self-doubt and would question my past, appearance, personality, and behaviors.
It soon became apparent that my sense of humor was also questionable to Dean. I honestly don't remember exactly what it was, but I posted something to Facebook that inspired a series of comments referencing Jack Nicholson. People started comparing their lives to his movies and characters he had played by stating things such as, "I always feel like I'm in a cross of The Shining and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." As a joke, I joined in on the fun with the most absurd personal comparisons I could think of: "I always feel like I'm a cross between The Joker and Jack Torrance." Not five minutes had passed before Dean messaged me on Facebook asking me what I meant by that comment. "Haha, that was a joke... If you read all the comments, you'll see the whole thread turned into a Jack Nicholson joke." He didn't respond.
During our phone chat the next day, he took the opportunity to bring my attention to this comment again.
"That thing you said on Facebook yesterday... I still don't understand what you meant by that."
"That Jack Nicholson thing? That was a joke. Did you see the other comments?"
"Yeah, I get what your friends were doing. But I don't think YOU do."
"What?"
"I don't think you understand what your friends were doing. You took it a step too far."
He proceeded to explain the entire thread to me, state why each of my friends' comments was funny, and why mine was a step too far and was not funny. He ended this lecture by asking me again what exactly I meant by that comment. I was insulted. Not only was this conversation an insult to my intelligence but it was a personal attack on my sense of humor. After this, I decided that I had experienced enough of his nitpicking and was not going to stand for it anymore. I had already told him that I didn't appreciate him jumping to conclusions about me nor did I appreciate his criticisms, yet he continued these behaviors. After giving myself some time to think about exactly what I wanted to say to him, I opted to avoid a long phone call and instead texted him this message the next day:
"You make me feel bad about myself. We're supposed to be getting to know each other, but I feel like I spend a significant amount of that time just defending myself against your allegations. You appear to have a lot of concerns about me, which might be a red flag. I think we are wise to trust our gut instincts, so if you're having doubts, maybe that means I'm just not the right girl for you."
This spawned an awkward exchange of texts, messages, and phone calls over the next few days, and he requested specific examples of what "allegations" and "concerns" I was referring to. Since he insisted and was acting genuinely confused, I told him exactly what I meant. I mentioned the initial email about my "flirtatious" ways, his grilling about my dating experience, the conclusions prompted by my pictures, the "skinny girl" comments, and now concerns about my sense of humor.
In his defense, I imagine that was a difficult conversation for him to have. Although he insisted that I provide him specific examples, that probably wasn't easy to listen to. However, that understanding didn't make me any less angry when I awoke to a Facebook message the next morning that he had sent at about 2AM.
"I want you to know that I care about answering your question regarding why I would be so quick to judge you. So, here is a detailed list of comments you made to me initially. I think they all have some connotation of judgement. I have never been known for being judgmental but when I hear it from you, I tend to give it back to you regardless if it is directed at me."
Apparently he had spent his evening combing through every message we ever exchanged looking for any hint of judgment on my part because he proceeded to list every single comment I had made in eHarmony and Facebook messages that he deemed judgmental. Examples include:
[In reference to old music] "The focus was on vocals instead of the digitally enhanced stuff we often hear now."
[In reference to a friend who never paid him back a large sum of money] "It's a shame when someone takes advantage of a nice person."
The list continued, every bullet point being as frivolous and personally irrelevant as the examples above. Watch out, Judgy McJudgerson here judging music and friends globally and apparently fostering judgmental behaviors in everyone she encounters. I suppose it's a little ironic that I was angered over that message, yet I'm currently doing the exact same thing by creating a detailed list of his mistakes and judgments for all my readers to see. Perhaps then there is a grain of truth to his claim. Or maybe I just enjoy sharing my experiences on my blog. Whatever. I'll let you decide.
After reading that message, I promptly responded telling him not to call me anymore. He continued to text that afternoon, expressing shock that I would call things off so quickly. I never responded to a single text. He also messaged me a month later on Facebook, claiming that I hurt him, that he didn't understand what happened, and that he wanted to try talking to me again after establishing some boundaries so that no one would be offended. I never responded to that either. Goodbye, Dean.
Looking back, I think I should have cut him off far sooner than I did. Conversations between us would end with me feeling bad about myself, and that's not okay. But, as in all my dating adventures, I learned some lessons. First, a budding relationship should be fun, and your partner should uplift you, not tear you down. Second, don't make excuses for your partner! I kept giving this guy the benefit of a doubt, but when a person continually repeats the same offense, that person isn't earning that benefit anymore.
After the disappointment with Dean and the overall discouraging experience I had with eHarmony, I closed my account. Perhaps I'll try online dating again someday but for now, I'm going to keep trying to meet men in my day-to-day life.
Next up: I date a policeman.
I'm sure I shared equally fascinating things about myself. Or so I hope. Anyway, being the busy graduate student that I was (and still am), I didn't have the time to pour over my eHamony communications every day and pay every suitor the obsessive amount of attention I know some of them would have preferred. Days would sometimes go by without me even opening the webpage, and I certainly didn't have the time to write my matches thoughtful and lengthy emails every day. However, I was interested in Dean so I made time for him when I could - even though it wasn't every day.
Dean and I regularly emailed throughout January, usually a day or two between messages. One week was a particularly busy week at school for me, and I didn't even realize that three days had gone by since I last emailed Dean. Rather than politely reminding me or simply saying hi or - better yet - having some patience, Dean sent me another message:
"I was just thinking about you and realize that you're a beautiful, smart, and fun person who likely dates a lot of men. You seem like the flirtatious type. I don't know why you'd be on a dating site like this other than for fun and amusement. [...]"
He continued to imply that I couldn't possibly be interested in him and I was just playing on eHarmony for shits and giggles. How do I even respond to this? That could not be further from the truth. I found it odd and offensive that he would jump to conclusions so quickly and accuse me of such things without even asking me about it. Wouldn't it have made more sense to say, "Hey, haven't heard from you in a few days. Hope all is well," or something of that nature? After giving the situation some thought, I decided to just reply honestly and to give him the benefit of a doubt. After all, he was new to online dating too; maybe he didn't realize how big of a dick he was painting himself to be. In my response, I told him how I did not in fact date much, how the last and only guy I dated hurt me, and how I started my eHarmony profile to help me find someone new. (I never told him about my virgin status though.) I also informed him that I did not appreciate him jumping to conclusions about me. In a redeeming manner, he responded apologetically and then continued conversation as before.
After this incident, I decided that we probably needed more communication in order to avoid miscommunication. A date would have been best but we lived four hours apart so that wasn't an option yet. I did, however, add him on Facebook and give him my number. Please don't turn out to be a psycho stalker freak, you possibly fake internet man. A couple days later, I received a call from an unrecognized number and knew it had to be him.
"Hi... it's Dean."
"Hi, Dean. Good to hear your voice!"
*Laughs* "Likewise. So... you made a lamp today?"
Okay, so we had kind-of an awkward start. He was referring to a lamp shade I had made that day and posted a picture of on Facebook. But hey, online dating in general is awkward, and conversing with a stranger is hard, so no judgment. Then, given that we were already talking about Facebook, he naturally shifted the conversation in this direction:
"So... you have a lot of photos of yourself on Facebook."
Hey, wait, that's not the natural way to start a conversation with someone you're speaking to for the first time ever...
"Oh, yeah, that's because taking photos is one of my favorite things to do, and sharing them is fun."
"Let's see... there are over 900 photos of you.
"*Laugh* Yeah, I believe it. I do take an obsessive amount of photos, much to the chagrin of my friends. They're hardly all pictures of me though... If there are 900 of me, there are probably at least 5,000 of other people."
"Oh... yeah, I guess I didn't click on your albums. I was thinking, 'Uh oh... what is this about?'"
Seriously? You only select "photos of [my name]" and then judge me when they're all photos of me? How is that fair? Not to mention, most of the photos you're referring to are pictures of me with my friends. Maybe he just doesn't use Facebook much though and doesn't know how the photo tab works.
Conversation shifted to other topics and quickly became less forced, and we actually ended up having a pleasant conversation that lasted for about an hour. Overall, it was a nice and enjoyable conversation but, afterward, I found myself questioning my Facebook content. Is it vain to have all these photos of myself on here? Maybe I should delete half the ones that have myself in them and just keep all the ones of my friends and family.
Dean texted me the next day to ask what I was up to and how my day was going. How nice! He's thinking of me. It feels nice to be thought of by someone again. After telling some silly anecdotes about each of our days, Dean switched the topic.
"Why haven't you dated much?"
I'm 26. That's certainly a legitimate question. But why do I feel so uncomfortable that he's asking?
"I don't know, I guess it just hasn't happened for me. I don't actively avoid dating."
"It's a quandary how you dodged the dating scene for so long. I feel you have a lot to offer."
Wow... that's nice. No guy has ever said that to me before.
"Thanks. That's very nice of you to say. :)"
Dean called me a couple days later, which I was very happy about. We were already more comfortable with each other, which was evident in the ensuing effortless conversation. However, during the middle of what was otherwise quality phone bonding time, he threw in more references to my lack of dating history. There was no positive spin on it like last time; instead, he reiterated how surprising that fact was and proceeded to lecture me on what I should be doing to gain more dating experience. I should go out more. I should talk to more guys online. I should be seeking dates. I should ask my friends to set me up with people. I should be doing anything I possibly could to gain more dating experience because I really needed said experience. All of this advice and all of these "shoulds" - when I never asked for his input nor did I indicate any dissatisfaction with my life (other than the original comment I made a while back about having difficulty getting over Jesse).Why is this so important to him? Does he think there's something wrong with me? IS there something wrong with me?
In texts and in phone calls, Dean continued to bring up the topic of my dating history. He further elaborated by stating how much more experience he had than I did, how he had nearly been engaged, and how he didn't understand why I "had chosen not to date." Ugh. I wish I would have never even told this guy about my dating history.What is the big deal? I spent a lot of time with Jesse... that counts. And a relationship just hasn't happened for me yet; it's not like I treat dating like the plague and run screaming from every guy who approaches me. Even if I DID, then he should feel all the more special that I'm showing an interest in him.
Although his attitude was largely just annoying and confusing, it was also hurtful. I felt like he was defining me and my worth based on the quantity of men I had dated and reaching negative conclusions about me due to my lack of romantic relationships. Worse, I listened. Am I freakish for entering the dating scene at age 25? Maybe it IS weird that I haven't had a relationship yet. Is he bothered by this because he thinks no guy has ever wanted me? Does he think some personal characteristic has prevented me from finding a relationship? Maybe that's true...
Regarding personal criticisms about me, Dean didn't stop at dating. He also graciously bestowed upon me his infinite wisdom of "skinny girls'" personalities promptly after announcing that he thought I looked skinny, judging from my pictures. Skinny girls are materialistic. Skinny girls are dramatic. Skinny girls are vain. Skinny girls don't know how to enjoy life because they have a phobia of ice cream cones.
"Is this what you think of me?"
"No, I was talking about skinny girls."
"You just said that I was skinny."
"Well, that's just what I thought at first when I saw your pictures."
"Well, I'm glad that you don't think these things about me anymore, but I don't appreciate you criticizing me at any point in time."
"I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."
Maybe he means that... maybe he'll stop saying things like this now.
While I once looked forward to talking to Dean and felt happy after our conversations, I soon just felt insecure. I'd leave our conversations with self-doubt and would question my past, appearance, personality, and behaviors.
It soon became apparent that my sense of humor was also questionable to Dean. I honestly don't remember exactly what it was, but I posted something to Facebook that inspired a series of comments referencing Jack Nicholson. People started comparing their lives to his movies and characters he had played by stating things such as, "I always feel like I'm in a cross of The Shining and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." As a joke, I joined in on the fun with the most absurd personal comparisons I could think of: "I always feel like I'm a cross between The Joker and Jack Torrance." Not five minutes had passed before Dean messaged me on Facebook asking me what I meant by that comment. "Haha, that was a joke... If you read all the comments, you'll see the whole thread turned into a Jack Nicholson joke." He didn't respond.
During our phone chat the next day, he took the opportunity to bring my attention to this comment again.
"That thing you said on Facebook yesterday... I still don't understand what you meant by that."
"That Jack Nicholson thing? That was a joke. Did you see the other comments?"
"Yeah, I get what your friends were doing. But I don't think YOU do."
"What?"
"I don't think you understand what your friends were doing. You took it a step too far."
He proceeded to explain the entire thread to me, state why each of my friends' comments was funny, and why mine was a step too far and was not funny. He ended this lecture by asking me again what exactly I meant by that comment. I was insulted. Not only was this conversation an insult to my intelligence but it was a personal attack on my sense of humor. After this, I decided that I had experienced enough of his nitpicking and was not going to stand for it anymore. I had already told him that I didn't appreciate him jumping to conclusions about me nor did I appreciate his criticisms, yet he continued these behaviors. After giving myself some time to think about exactly what I wanted to say to him, I opted to avoid a long phone call and instead texted him this message the next day:
"You make me feel bad about myself. We're supposed to be getting to know each other, but I feel like I spend a significant amount of that time just defending myself against your allegations. You appear to have a lot of concerns about me, which might be a red flag. I think we are wise to trust our gut instincts, so if you're having doubts, maybe that means I'm just not the right girl for you."
This spawned an awkward exchange of texts, messages, and phone calls over the next few days, and he requested specific examples of what "allegations" and "concerns" I was referring to. Since he insisted and was acting genuinely confused, I told him exactly what I meant. I mentioned the initial email about my "flirtatious" ways, his grilling about my dating experience, the conclusions prompted by my pictures, the "skinny girl" comments, and now concerns about my sense of humor.
In his defense, I imagine that was a difficult conversation for him to have. Although he insisted that I provide him specific examples, that probably wasn't easy to listen to. However, that understanding didn't make me any less angry when I awoke to a Facebook message the next morning that he had sent at about 2AM.
"I want you to know that I care about answering your question regarding why I would be so quick to judge you. So, here is a detailed list of comments you made to me initially. I think they all have some connotation of judgement. I have never been known for being judgmental but when I hear it from you, I tend to give it back to you regardless if it is directed at me."
Apparently he had spent his evening combing through every message we ever exchanged looking for any hint of judgment on my part because he proceeded to list every single comment I had made in eHarmony and Facebook messages that he deemed judgmental. Examples include:
[In reference to old music] "The focus was on vocals instead of the digitally enhanced stuff we often hear now."
[In reference to a friend who never paid him back a large sum of money] "It's a shame when someone takes advantage of a nice person."
The list continued, every bullet point being as frivolous and personally irrelevant as the examples above. Watch out, Judgy McJudgerson here judging music and friends globally and apparently fostering judgmental behaviors in everyone she encounters. I suppose it's a little ironic that I was angered over that message, yet I'm currently doing the exact same thing by creating a detailed list of his mistakes and judgments for all my readers to see. Perhaps then there is a grain of truth to his claim. Or maybe I just enjoy sharing my experiences on my blog. Whatever. I'll let you decide.
After reading that message, I promptly responded telling him not to call me anymore. He continued to text that afternoon, expressing shock that I would call things off so quickly. I never responded to a single text. He also messaged me a month later on Facebook, claiming that I hurt him, that he didn't understand what happened, and that he wanted to try talking to me again after establishing some boundaries so that no one would be offended. I never responded to that either. Goodbye, Dean.
Looking back, I think I should have cut him off far sooner than I did. Conversations between us would end with me feeling bad about myself, and that's not okay. But, as in all my dating adventures, I learned some lessons. First, a budding relationship should be fun, and your partner should uplift you, not tear you down. Second, don't make excuses for your partner! I kept giving this guy the benefit of a doubt, but when a person continually repeats the same offense, that person isn't earning that benefit anymore.
After the disappointment with Dean and the overall discouraging experience I had with eHarmony, I closed my account. Perhaps I'll try online dating again someday but for now, I'm going to keep trying to meet men in my day-to-day life.
Next up: I date a policeman.