This was a brutal semester for me. Possibly the most demanding and stressful one I've had yet. I'm thankful it's almost over for a number of reasons, including 1) I think I am on the brink of a psychotic episode, 2) I can soon start taking steps to overcome my semester-induced caffeine dependency, 3) I can reestablish a social life, and 4) I'll finally be able to revisit my hobbies, including photography and this blog.
I am supposed to be writing for work right now, but a combination of factors is currently making me feel really depressed. I thus decided to take a break and unload my feelings here. In sum, I'm sitting on my couch entirely alone right now and writing papers I don't want to write, while most everyone I know is currently enjoying time with their family and/or significant other for Thanksgiving. I'm still not over Mike (which feels pathetic), and both of the men I've been interested in for the past couple months and who I thought may have been interested in me are suddenly off the table. I learned a few days ago that one slept with two of my friends, and Facebook told me ten minutes ago that the other is now in a relationship. Very disappointing. I am also embarrassed by the fact that I am so terrible at reading men. The one who now has a girlfriend (let's call him Jason) started touching me, complimenting me, and going out of his way to talk to me, so I tried to reciprocate efforts by talking to him and inviting him to my birthday dinner. He didn't come, and now he apparently has a girlfriend. I am so confused... and frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed, and hopeless.
I also become more aggravated each year by my lack of sexual experience. Part of that is pure sexual frustration but the rest relates to my desire to connect with people and have meaningful conversations. I hate it when my friends talk about sex and I am unable to contribute anything. I feel like a child. And I hate that with each passing year, I become even more disparate from the men my age in terms of sexual/relationship experience.
I suppose I'm in a bad mood and perhaps my outlook will improve tomorrow, but at this moment, I feel very lonely and hopeless that it will ever change.
I am supposed to be writing for work right now, but a combination of factors is currently making me feel really depressed. I thus decided to take a break and unload my feelings here. In sum, I'm sitting on my couch entirely alone right now and writing papers I don't want to write, while most everyone I know is currently enjoying time with their family and/or significant other for Thanksgiving. I'm still not over Mike (which feels pathetic), and both of the men I've been interested in for the past couple months and who I thought may have been interested in me are suddenly off the table. I learned a few days ago that one slept with two of my friends, and Facebook told me ten minutes ago that the other is now in a relationship. Very disappointing. I am also embarrassed by the fact that I am so terrible at reading men. The one who now has a girlfriend (let's call him Jason) started touching me, complimenting me, and going out of his way to talk to me, so I tried to reciprocate efforts by talking to him and inviting him to my birthday dinner. He didn't come, and now he apparently has a girlfriend. I am so confused... and frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed, and hopeless.
I also become more aggravated each year by my lack of sexual experience. Part of that is pure sexual frustration but the rest relates to my desire to connect with people and have meaningful conversations. I hate it when my friends talk about sex and I am unable to contribute anything. I feel like a child. And I hate that with each passing year, I become even more disparate from the men my age in terms of sexual/relationship experience.
I suppose I'm in a bad mood and perhaps my outlook will improve tomorrow, but at this moment, I feel very lonely and hopeless that it will ever change.