Actually, can you call it a breakup if you're not officially a couple? Hmm...
As much as I enjoyed my first kiss and our high-school-style
weekend-long make-out session, I started to experience unexpected feelings about it during my drive home - feelings which only escalated when I arrived home and as the evening progressed.
I just made out with a guy... I made out with a guy who is not my boyfriend, I ran my fingernails down his back, and we slept together... All at once?! No period of time between an innocent peck and a passionate kiss? No break between kissing and sleeping next to each other? No, within one evening, I went from never having even been touched by a guy to jumping into one's bed. Granted, we didn't have sex of any kind nor were genitals or breasts involved at all, but the activities that we did do were all new experiences for me and and it was a lot to take in at once. I felt like my identity had changed. I was the innocent virgin Mary who had never even been kissed, and now I felt like a harlot. Part of this stemmed from my religious beliefs at the time; I believed that physical intimacy should be reserved for married couples and since I had never had a guy in my life before, I never thought about exactly where my boundaries lay. Had I gone too far? Should I have stopped at a peck on the lips? Should I have not even kissed him at all and saved that experience for my husband? I was so confused... and I felt like I lost a piece of my virginity.
What did Jesse think of me now? Do most girls go from kissing to sleeping together within one evening? Surely not. Oh, God. I'm a whore. Jesse thinks I'm a total whore and has lost all respect for me for moving so fast.
These thoughts dominated my mind until I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to call him.
"Hey, did you make it home safe?"
"Yeah... I did."
"Is something wrong?"
"No. Well... I don't know... I just keep thinking about this weekend."
"What do you mean?"
"I just... I don't really know what to think right now. Before, I had never been touched, and I was content with that. And now... that's not true anymore."
"We don't have to do that again if you don't want to."
"Okay... but I just feel... I feel disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger."
"Oh... Well, I don't think any less of you if you're worried about that."
"Okay... thanks, Jesse. I think I might think less of myself though."
This conversation went in circles for a little while, and looking back, I see that my mindset at that time was kind-of ridiculous. We had been talking and/or hanging out for over four months at this point, and all we had done was kiss and share a bed together. So INNOCENT! But, thanks to religion, I felt as if I had done something wrong and now instead of conveying to Jesse how wonderful that weekend was for me, I was dwelling on feelings of guilt and "sin." In spite of all this, Jesse was incredibly understanding. He kept reassuring me that it was okay and that he didn't think negatively of me at all, and he even acted apologetic for "coming on too strong." Looking back, I on one hand hate that I made him feel guilty for an experience that was actually very special to me, but on the other, I cannot convey enough just how glad I am that this whole experience - the kissing and the subsequent shame - was with Jesse. I don't know of any other person in my life that would have handled my reaction with such care and understanding.
He checked in on me the next day to ask how I was doing and if I was feeling okay - and to ask how my first day of classes went. I didn't ignore him but I also wasn't very responsive; I was far too busy wallowing in confusion and self-disdain. By the end of the day though, all that time I spent lost in thought was surprisingly productive because I ultimately came to a few conclusions. 1) I had been physically intimate with a man. I was no longer Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed. But what was wrong with that? I kissed someone whom I had developed feelings for, it was an emotionally meaningful experience, and we didn't cross any of my personal boundaries. There was nothing wrong with that. 2) Had I sinned? I didn't know. But I realized that it didn't matter. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong at the time so if I had in fact sinned, it was largely due to ignorance. Since I didn't know any better, God wouldn't hold that against me - if my actions even qualified as sin, which I still wasn't sure about. 3) I was still a virgin (an identity that was important to me at the time - being religious or "spiritual" and all). I didn't "lose" any part of myself, and even if we did have kinky sex for 2 days straight, that wouldn't have changed who I was. I still would have been the same giggly, nerdy grad student with all the same interests and personality traits. Sex does not define a person.
How silly I had been. It's okay. Stop ruining your special weekend and your first kiss - which you had been looking forward to for half your life - by dwelling on all of this stupid shit that doesn't even matter. And hanging on to this attitude is only going to hurt Jesse and push him away; or he'll think you're an emotionally unstable basket-case. Do you want that? By the next morning, I was back to my normal self, and Jesse and I continued our daily texts and phone calls as before. I also made a point to tell him that I just freaked out because it was a new experience for me and that I was sorry for being so unresponsive the previous day. I hope that I also apologized for making him feel guilty and possibly regretful, but I honestly don't remember if I did.
Things between Jesse and I were great after that, and we had gotten into a routine where we'd text each other throughout the day and I'd call him as soon as I got home from class. I knew that I had developed feelings for Jesse and those feelings had intensified since kissing him - and immediately. Kissing had made me feel connected to Jesse and more emotionally attached to him, which I wasn't expecting. I thought that was supposed to happen when you have sex with someone, not when you just kiss him. It was odd because, as I mentioned in an earlier post, something just felt off with Jesse and I can't even put my finger on what exactly it was. I knew we weren't supposed to be together yet I wanted to be with him; it was a confusing place to be.
Also confusing was how to think of Jesse. Was he my boyfriend? Should I be telling my new friends/classmates that I'm seeing someone when the topic of couples and dating comes up? I certainly wanted to. I liked Jesse, was having fun, and wanted to tell people about him and our adventures. In fact, shortly after Jesse and I had gone to the beach in Savannah, GA (or technically, Tybee Island), I uploaded to Facebook some of the pictures we had taken and tagged him in the ones of us together. He texted me immediately to tell me to untag him in all the photos, explaining that since he was still technically married and since adultery was a punishable offense in the military, that he could potentially face consequences if the wrong person saw the photos. This screamed "RED FLAG" to me but I chose to ignore it. His reasoning didn't seem entirely implausible; the military doesn't fuck around so his concerns could have been legitimate. Anyway, the point is that I didn't know if we were a couple or not, and I was afraid that directly asking him would only push him away. So I didn't say anything...
Jesse had made plans to visit me on Labor Day weekend, since we'd both have three days off, and I was thrilled to see him! As planned, he first drove to his parents' house to visit them and then was to spend a day with me before returning home. However, as luck would have it, a tropical storm passed through the South that weekend, making travel unsafe. He ended up spending the entire weekend with his parents and then went home without seeing me. I was very disappointed, although I certainly didn't blame him for it. He said he was disappointed too and that he would drive back out here to see me on another weekend soon. However, although we continued regularly communicating, Jesse stopped mentioning visiting and acted less than enthused when I brought the subject up. Each weekend in September, he claimed there was some obstacle preventing him from traveling and some reason why I couldn't come there. Toward the end of the month, texting frequency quickly decreased and eventually a day came when we didn't talk on the phone. I called him after class as usual but he didn't pick up that day and he didn't call back that evening. He called the next day, and then for a period of maybe a week, we were chatting every other day and he started cutting conversations much shorter than they had always been. During the first week of October, he attended a wedding in his hometown (where his parents still lived), did not invite me, and did not come see me before returning home to GA. And that was it. Jesse didn't call anymore after that and texting largely stopped (although he did randomly text me maybe once per week after that and continued commenting on my Facebook posts... not really sure what that was about).
I was very hurt. Jesse gave me no explanation at all and just disappeared from my life. I not only lost my pseudo-boyfriend but also my best friend. We had become very close and suddenly he was gone. At the time, I didn't even own any furniture yet, and I remember coming home to my empty apartment after class where I sat on the floor and just cried.
I didn't know how to interpret anything that had happened... Why did he leave like that? What did I do wrong? Was I clingy? Did I come off as clingy and needy the several times I suggested we spend a weekend together? Was I not the person he thought I was before we had met? What happened? The last time we saw each other, we spent the entire weekend kissing and now he doesn't want to see me again? Was I a terrible kisser? Or worse - what if he didn't mean it? That kiss meant a great deal to me but what if it meant absolutely nothing to him?
Now when a guy rejects me, I don't contact him and I don't suggest friendship. However, I hadn't learned this lesson yet, so after three weeks of no contact had gone by, I called him. He picked up and actually sounded happy to hear from me. We talked and laughed just like before, but as the conversation was coming to a close, I told him what was on my mind.
"Jesse, you can still call me sometimes."
"I know; I will."
"You don't have to be romantically interested in me to talk to me."
"Yeah, you've got a lot going on with school, and I was a distraction, and I've got a lot going on here so-"
"You don't have to explain. It's okay. I just want you to know that I would really hate to lose you as a friend."
"Okay..."
"I know this is awkward to bring up, but I would really hate for you to just exit my life."
"Okay..."
"Okay then... I'll talk to you later."
Wow, that was awkward. Surprisingly though, my method worked because he started calling occasionally (once or twice per week) after that and we had fun conversations just like before. Then one day during the second week of November, out of nowhere, he texted me this:
"I just want you to know that it's not that I'm not romantically interested. It's just that I don't think I can handle a relationship right now. I mean, I dig the shit out of you, but I can't handle a relationship right now."
Military men certainly have a way with words. That's the only time I've ever been moved by the word shit. We texted for a bit, and I knew from comments he had made in the past that his ex-wife had broken his heart when she left him. Normally I would write off the "can't handle a relationship" line as a lie to spare my feelings but I actually believed him in this case. I knew he was still healing from heartbreak, so I told him I understood, thanked him for being honest with me, and our friendship continued.
Soon it was Thanksgiving. His sister, who was still my friend on Facebook, flew to GA to spend Thanksgiving with Jesse and was uploading silly pictures of them together while she was there. I was clicking through them late that evening and laughing at their ridiculous facial expressions and poses before I stopped on one picture that made my heart skip a beat; I heard myself gasp and I immediately felt a sinking sensation in my stomach. I couldn't tell if I was about to vomit or have a panic attack. Why is he wearing his wedding ring? Jesse was wearing his wedding ring. Oh, God, this cannot be happening. They're back together? She came back?
Surely that had to be the case. Why else would he be wearing a wedding ring? But I kept trying to think of alternative explanations and then trying not to think about it all. I didn't sleep at all that night, and the next day I called Jesse to ask what had happened. Sure enough, it was true. His wife was still in Europe but they had agreed to give their marriage another shot.
I was crushed. As I collected more details over time, I learned a lot of things that I almost wish I hadn't. Jesse and his wife had never even filed for divorce; they were still very married. He had already requested a leave to visit her over Christmas. Additionally, although she was living in Europe, they were still in each other's lives during the past year. In fact, it turns out they were regularly calling and talking to each other during the entire time that Jesse and I were talking.
Now it was obvious why he ended our phone affair, but knowing all the circumstances surrounding that made it exponentially more hurtful - especially because he never told me! Was I so insignificant to him that I wasn't worth telling? I didn't deserve an explanation? He just decided one morning to get back together with his wife and then quit spending time with me and eventually quit calling me? Without telling me the real reason why? And that entire time... during that whole summer and that kiss which was so meaningful to me... she was still in his life that entire time. I had never felt so deceived and betrayed. Was everything he told me a lie? All those compliments? All that time he spent with me? Did he never even like me at all? Was I just a pleasant distraction to keep his mind off his wounded heart?
I'm searching for the right words to accurately convey everything I felt and thought at this time, but I can't seem to find them. Perhaps the best way to describe it is to simply say that I spent the next few months in a very dark place. He dominated my thoughts, and I felt sad every day. I lost my appetite and subsequently ended up losing an unhealthy amount of weight. I felt empty.
After about a year, I was finally able to stop crying over Jesse. And after about one-and-a-half years, it didn't hurt anymore. I still have days where I think of Jesse and our summer, and sometimes I still get sad but those days are uncommon. Now I'm able to look back at the situation and see a lot of value in it. First, for all the reasons I mentioned in earlier posts, I'm still glad that my first dating experience was with Jesse. I'm certainly not happy with the deceit and how things ended, but I am happy with the way he treated me while we were together (minus the name-calling... I'm still not sure what that was about). Second, I learned some very valuable lessons. For example, don't date divorced dudes unless they are in fact divorced. I'm slightly embarrassed that I had to learn that lesson the hard way, but I guess that's life. Also, pay attention to the red flags; don't write them off or make excuses for the person you are dating. And listen to your gut! As I've mentioned a few times, something never felt quite right with Jesse and I knew that he wasn't the right guy for me. Yet I continued to hang on anyway. It's hard though to let go of someone you care about, and I know that closing that door and moving on is easier said than done; in fact, that's something I'm still trying to learn how to do. I suppose it gets easier with each guy I date. And lastly, respect yourself and stand firm in your beliefs. People will dump you for it but then you know those aren't the right people for you. Jesse's perspective on my virginity and my boundaries is one that I hope to encounter again someday with the right guy. I am very happy that I am now armed with firsthand knowledge regarding how a guy should treat me when the subject of sex arises.
The last thing that Jesse said to me after Thanksgiving when I had learned of his situation with his wife was in response to a message I sent him. He told me that he wanted to remain friends, so I wrote him a letter. As I told him, I decided that was a better option than calling him because I knew a phone call would only result in tears and I wouldn't be able to think clearly enough to say everything that I wanted to say. In my letter, I explained why it was impossible to remain friends, how I thought I needed to stay out of his life if he hoped to reconcile his marriage, how he should tell her that he dated someone else, and how he hurt me. On November 29th, he responded with this:
"Sorry it's taken me this long to respond. I needed some time to gather my thoughts about this and for the dust to settle a little bit.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and come up with some lame ass excuse. I was very interested in you. I think you are a wonderful person with a great personality and an awesome sense of humor. I very much enjoyed the times we spent both in person and on the phone. For your sake, if I had known it would've turned out like this, I wouldn't have let it get this far. You didn't deserve this. If you want to be mad at me, I wouldn't blame you. Having still been married, I was completely and utterly wrong for getting involved with you. It wasn't fair to you and I am very sorry for the heartache that I've caused. Yes, I have told her. However, she said she didn't want to know who it was with.
Listen, I still want you to be a part of my life and I still want you to be my friend. I enjoy talking to you and I don't want to lose that. However, if you don't feel comfortable with it I understand. I wish that things didn't turn out this way and that we didn't have to have this discussion. Once again, I accept all of the blame and I'm sorry for hurting you."
Everything he said in that letter meant a lot to me, which I told him, but I ultimately repeated the same things I said earlier, said that we couldn't be friends, and wished him well. A couple days later, we cut off our last tie and ceased all communication.
"Jesse, I'm so sorry but I have to delete you [from Facebook]. I sincerely hope you'll add me back though when either A) your marriage is secure and stable or B) your divorce is finalized. I hope you understand."
"I don't want you to do that, but if that's what you feel you should do..."
"I do... I can't stop clicking on your profile and it's not good for my emotional well-being. Now I'm crying again, God damn it."
"I wish it wasn't this way."
"Me too, Jesse. I wish I could hug you now."
"Me too."
As much as I enjoyed my first kiss and our high-school-style
weekend-long make-out session, I started to experience unexpected feelings about it during my drive home - feelings which only escalated when I arrived home and as the evening progressed.
I just made out with a guy... I made out with a guy who is not my boyfriend, I ran my fingernails down his back, and we slept together... All at once?! No period of time between an innocent peck and a passionate kiss? No break between kissing and sleeping next to each other? No, within one evening, I went from never having even been touched by a guy to jumping into one's bed. Granted, we didn't have sex of any kind nor were genitals or breasts involved at all, but the activities that we did do were all new experiences for me and and it was a lot to take in at once. I felt like my identity had changed. I was the innocent virgin Mary who had never even been kissed, and now I felt like a harlot. Part of this stemmed from my religious beliefs at the time; I believed that physical intimacy should be reserved for married couples and since I had never had a guy in my life before, I never thought about exactly where my boundaries lay. Had I gone too far? Should I have stopped at a peck on the lips? Should I have not even kissed him at all and saved that experience for my husband? I was so confused... and I felt like I lost a piece of my virginity.
What did Jesse think of me now? Do most girls go from kissing to sleeping together within one evening? Surely not. Oh, God. I'm a whore. Jesse thinks I'm a total whore and has lost all respect for me for moving so fast.
These thoughts dominated my mind until I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to call him.
"Hey, did you make it home safe?"
"Yeah... I did."
"Is something wrong?"
"No. Well... I don't know... I just keep thinking about this weekend."
"What do you mean?"
"I just... I don't really know what to think right now. Before, I had never been touched, and I was content with that. And now... that's not true anymore."
"We don't have to do that again if you don't want to."
"Okay... but I just feel... I feel disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger."
"Oh... Well, I don't think any less of you if you're worried about that."
"Okay... thanks, Jesse. I think I might think less of myself though."
This conversation went in circles for a little while, and looking back, I see that my mindset at that time was kind-of ridiculous. We had been talking and/or hanging out for over four months at this point, and all we had done was kiss and share a bed together. So INNOCENT! But, thanks to religion, I felt as if I had done something wrong and now instead of conveying to Jesse how wonderful that weekend was for me, I was dwelling on feelings of guilt and "sin." In spite of all this, Jesse was incredibly understanding. He kept reassuring me that it was okay and that he didn't think negatively of me at all, and he even acted apologetic for "coming on too strong." Looking back, I on one hand hate that I made him feel guilty for an experience that was actually very special to me, but on the other, I cannot convey enough just how glad I am that this whole experience - the kissing and the subsequent shame - was with Jesse. I don't know of any other person in my life that would have handled my reaction with such care and understanding.
He checked in on me the next day to ask how I was doing and if I was feeling okay - and to ask how my first day of classes went. I didn't ignore him but I also wasn't very responsive; I was far too busy wallowing in confusion and self-disdain. By the end of the day though, all that time I spent lost in thought was surprisingly productive because I ultimately came to a few conclusions. 1) I had been physically intimate with a man. I was no longer Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed. But what was wrong with that? I kissed someone whom I had developed feelings for, it was an emotionally meaningful experience, and we didn't cross any of my personal boundaries. There was nothing wrong with that. 2) Had I sinned? I didn't know. But I realized that it didn't matter. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong at the time so if I had in fact sinned, it was largely due to ignorance. Since I didn't know any better, God wouldn't hold that against me - if my actions even qualified as sin, which I still wasn't sure about. 3) I was still a virgin (an identity that was important to me at the time - being religious or "spiritual" and all). I didn't "lose" any part of myself, and even if we did have kinky sex for 2 days straight, that wouldn't have changed who I was. I still would have been the same giggly, nerdy grad student with all the same interests and personality traits. Sex does not define a person.
How silly I had been. It's okay. Stop ruining your special weekend and your first kiss - which you had been looking forward to for half your life - by dwelling on all of this stupid shit that doesn't even matter. And hanging on to this attitude is only going to hurt Jesse and push him away; or he'll think you're an emotionally unstable basket-case. Do you want that? By the next morning, I was back to my normal self, and Jesse and I continued our daily texts and phone calls as before. I also made a point to tell him that I just freaked out because it was a new experience for me and that I was sorry for being so unresponsive the previous day. I hope that I also apologized for making him feel guilty and possibly regretful, but I honestly don't remember if I did.
Things between Jesse and I were great after that, and we had gotten into a routine where we'd text each other throughout the day and I'd call him as soon as I got home from class. I knew that I had developed feelings for Jesse and those feelings had intensified since kissing him - and immediately. Kissing had made me feel connected to Jesse and more emotionally attached to him, which I wasn't expecting. I thought that was supposed to happen when you have sex with someone, not when you just kiss him. It was odd because, as I mentioned in an earlier post, something just felt off with Jesse and I can't even put my finger on what exactly it was. I knew we weren't supposed to be together yet I wanted to be with him; it was a confusing place to be.
Also confusing was how to think of Jesse. Was he my boyfriend? Should I be telling my new friends/classmates that I'm seeing someone when the topic of couples and dating comes up? I certainly wanted to. I liked Jesse, was having fun, and wanted to tell people about him and our adventures. In fact, shortly after Jesse and I had gone to the beach in Savannah, GA (or technically, Tybee Island), I uploaded to Facebook some of the pictures we had taken and tagged him in the ones of us together. He texted me immediately to tell me to untag him in all the photos, explaining that since he was still technically married and since adultery was a punishable offense in the military, that he could potentially face consequences if the wrong person saw the photos. This screamed "RED FLAG" to me but I chose to ignore it. His reasoning didn't seem entirely implausible; the military doesn't fuck around so his concerns could have been legitimate. Anyway, the point is that I didn't know if we were a couple or not, and I was afraid that directly asking him would only push him away. So I didn't say anything...
Jesse had made plans to visit me on Labor Day weekend, since we'd both have three days off, and I was thrilled to see him! As planned, he first drove to his parents' house to visit them and then was to spend a day with me before returning home. However, as luck would have it, a tropical storm passed through the South that weekend, making travel unsafe. He ended up spending the entire weekend with his parents and then went home without seeing me. I was very disappointed, although I certainly didn't blame him for it. He said he was disappointed too and that he would drive back out here to see me on another weekend soon. However, although we continued regularly communicating, Jesse stopped mentioning visiting and acted less than enthused when I brought the subject up. Each weekend in September, he claimed there was some obstacle preventing him from traveling and some reason why I couldn't come there. Toward the end of the month, texting frequency quickly decreased and eventually a day came when we didn't talk on the phone. I called him after class as usual but he didn't pick up that day and he didn't call back that evening. He called the next day, and then for a period of maybe a week, we were chatting every other day and he started cutting conversations much shorter than they had always been. During the first week of October, he attended a wedding in his hometown (where his parents still lived), did not invite me, and did not come see me before returning home to GA. And that was it. Jesse didn't call anymore after that and texting largely stopped (although he did randomly text me maybe once per week after that and continued commenting on my Facebook posts... not really sure what that was about).
I was very hurt. Jesse gave me no explanation at all and just disappeared from my life. I not only lost my pseudo-boyfriend but also my best friend. We had become very close and suddenly he was gone. At the time, I didn't even own any furniture yet, and I remember coming home to my empty apartment after class where I sat on the floor and just cried.
I didn't know how to interpret anything that had happened... Why did he leave like that? What did I do wrong? Was I clingy? Did I come off as clingy and needy the several times I suggested we spend a weekend together? Was I not the person he thought I was before we had met? What happened? The last time we saw each other, we spent the entire weekend kissing and now he doesn't want to see me again? Was I a terrible kisser? Or worse - what if he didn't mean it? That kiss meant a great deal to me but what if it meant absolutely nothing to him?
Now when a guy rejects me, I don't contact him and I don't suggest friendship. However, I hadn't learned this lesson yet, so after three weeks of no contact had gone by, I called him. He picked up and actually sounded happy to hear from me. We talked and laughed just like before, but as the conversation was coming to a close, I told him what was on my mind.
"Jesse, you can still call me sometimes."
"I know; I will."
"You don't have to be romantically interested in me to talk to me."
"Yeah, you've got a lot going on with school, and I was a distraction, and I've got a lot going on here so-"
"You don't have to explain. It's okay. I just want you to know that I would really hate to lose you as a friend."
"Okay..."
"I know this is awkward to bring up, but I would really hate for you to just exit my life."
"Okay..."
"Okay then... I'll talk to you later."
Wow, that was awkward. Surprisingly though, my method worked because he started calling occasionally (once or twice per week) after that and we had fun conversations just like before. Then one day during the second week of November, out of nowhere, he texted me this:
"I just want you to know that it's not that I'm not romantically interested. It's just that I don't think I can handle a relationship right now. I mean, I dig the shit out of you, but I can't handle a relationship right now."
Military men certainly have a way with words. That's the only time I've ever been moved by the word shit. We texted for a bit, and I knew from comments he had made in the past that his ex-wife had broken his heart when she left him. Normally I would write off the "can't handle a relationship" line as a lie to spare my feelings but I actually believed him in this case. I knew he was still healing from heartbreak, so I told him I understood, thanked him for being honest with me, and our friendship continued.
Soon it was Thanksgiving. His sister, who was still my friend on Facebook, flew to GA to spend Thanksgiving with Jesse and was uploading silly pictures of them together while she was there. I was clicking through them late that evening and laughing at their ridiculous facial expressions and poses before I stopped on one picture that made my heart skip a beat; I heard myself gasp and I immediately felt a sinking sensation in my stomach. I couldn't tell if I was about to vomit or have a panic attack. Why is he wearing his wedding ring? Jesse was wearing his wedding ring. Oh, God, this cannot be happening. They're back together? She came back?
Surely that had to be the case. Why else would he be wearing a wedding ring? But I kept trying to think of alternative explanations and then trying not to think about it all. I didn't sleep at all that night, and the next day I called Jesse to ask what had happened. Sure enough, it was true. His wife was still in Europe but they had agreed to give their marriage another shot.
I was crushed. As I collected more details over time, I learned a lot of things that I almost wish I hadn't. Jesse and his wife had never even filed for divorce; they were still very married. He had already requested a leave to visit her over Christmas. Additionally, although she was living in Europe, they were still in each other's lives during the past year. In fact, it turns out they were regularly calling and talking to each other during the entire time that Jesse and I were talking.
Now it was obvious why he ended our phone affair, but knowing all the circumstances surrounding that made it exponentially more hurtful - especially because he never told me! Was I so insignificant to him that I wasn't worth telling? I didn't deserve an explanation? He just decided one morning to get back together with his wife and then quit spending time with me and eventually quit calling me? Without telling me the real reason why? And that entire time... during that whole summer and that kiss which was so meaningful to me... she was still in his life that entire time. I had never felt so deceived and betrayed. Was everything he told me a lie? All those compliments? All that time he spent with me? Did he never even like me at all? Was I just a pleasant distraction to keep his mind off his wounded heart?
I'm searching for the right words to accurately convey everything I felt and thought at this time, but I can't seem to find them. Perhaps the best way to describe it is to simply say that I spent the next few months in a very dark place. He dominated my thoughts, and I felt sad every day. I lost my appetite and subsequently ended up losing an unhealthy amount of weight. I felt empty.
After about a year, I was finally able to stop crying over Jesse. And after about one-and-a-half years, it didn't hurt anymore. I still have days where I think of Jesse and our summer, and sometimes I still get sad but those days are uncommon. Now I'm able to look back at the situation and see a lot of value in it. First, for all the reasons I mentioned in earlier posts, I'm still glad that my first dating experience was with Jesse. I'm certainly not happy with the deceit and how things ended, but I am happy with the way he treated me while we were together (minus the name-calling... I'm still not sure what that was about). Second, I learned some very valuable lessons. For example, don't date divorced dudes unless they are in fact divorced. I'm slightly embarrassed that I had to learn that lesson the hard way, but I guess that's life. Also, pay attention to the red flags; don't write them off or make excuses for the person you are dating. And listen to your gut! As I've mentioned a few times, something never felt quite right with Jesse and I knew that he wasn't the right guy for me. Yet I continued to hang on anyway. It's hard though to let go of someone you care about, and I know that closing that door and moving on is easier said than done; in fact, that's something I'm still trying to learn how to do. I suppose it gets easier with each guy I date. And lastly, respect yourself and stand firm in your beliefs. People will dump you for it but then you know those aren't the right people for you. Jesse's perspective on my virginity and my boundaries is one that I hope to encounter again someday with the right guy. I am very happy that I am now armed with firsthand knowledge regarding how a guy should treat me when the subject of sex arises.
The last thing that Jesse said to me after Thanksgiving when I had learned of his situation with his wife was in response to a message I sent him. He told me that he wanted to remain friends, so I wrote him a letter. As I told him, I decided that was a better option than calling him because I knew a phone call would only result in tears and I wouldn't be able to think clearly enough to say everything that I wanted to say. In my letter, I explained why it was impossible to remain friends, how I thought I needed to stay out of his life if he hoped to reconcile his marriage, how he should tell her that he dated someone else, and how he hurt me. On November 29th, he responded with this:
"Sorry it's taken me this long to respond. I needed some time to gather my thoughts about this and for the dust to settle a little bit.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and come up with some lame ass excuse. I was very interested in you. I think you are a wonderful person with a great personality and an awesome sense of humor. I very much enjoyed the times we spent both in person and on the phone. For your sake, if I had known it would've turned out like this, I wouldn't have let it get this far. You didn't deserve this. If you want to be mad at me, I wouldn't blame you. Having still been married, I was completely and utterly wrong for getting involved with you. It wasn't fair to you and I am very sorry for the heartache that I've caused. Yes, I have told her. However, she said she didn't want to know who it was with.
Listen, I still want you to be a part of my life and I still want you to be my friend. I enjoy talking to you and I don't want to lose that. However, if you don't feel comfortable with it I understand. I wish that things didn't turn out this way and that we didn't have to have this discussion. Once again, I accept all of the blame and I'm sorry for hurting you."
Everything he said in that letter meant a lot to me, which I told him, but I ultimately repeated the same things I said earlier, said that we couldn't be friends, and wished him well. A couple days later, we cut off our last tie and ceased all communication.
"Jesse, I'm so sorry but I have to delete you [from Facebook]. I sincerely hope you'll add me back though when either A) your marriage is secure and stable or B) your divorce is finalized. I hope you understand."
"I don't want you to do that, but if that's what you feel you should do..."
"I do... I can't stop clicking on your profile and it's not good for my emotional well-being. Now I'm crying again, God damn it."
"I wish it wasn't this way."
"Me too, Jesse. I wish I could hug you now."
"Me too."