I know I said my next post was going to be about a policeman but I accidentally lied. I'll tell that tale next time because today I want to say something about my eHarmony experience that I neglected to mention in my last post.
What ultimately happened with Dean is that I told him about a behavior that was hurting me, and his response was to blame everything on me. My own statements elicited his judgmental mindset. It was my fault. I provoked every conclusion he made about me. It was my fault.
There was also something he said in a message after I told him he made me feel bad about myself:
"In it [my text message] you blame me for how you feel. You should know that no one can make you feel something but if you do feel something, it is because you choose to and I know you are stronger than that."
Apparently my feelings were my fault too. I chose to feel bad about myself, and it meant I was weak. It was my fault. While Dean is right in the sense that our own cognitions and the way we interpret things have the greatest impact on our mood and feelings, he's also wrongly removing himself from all responsibility. If a friend or partner announces you are fat, dumb, and ugly, are you more or less likely to have that negative thought about yourself? Or to question its possibility? Probably more. If your friend or partner makes that statement repeatedly, are you more or less likely to start believing it? Probably more. Those thoughts can then lead to feelings of sadness, anger, hurt, etc. While it is ultimately our own thoughts that influence our feelings, other people's behaviors can influence the thoughts that we have to begin with and the interpretations that we make. Thus, although indirect, other people can in fact affect how we feel, and it is not a "choice" as Dean claims.
I've devoted this entire post to the subject of redirected blame because I think it's important to be aware of in any relationship — romantic, familial, or platonic. If a person is treating you badly, it is not your fault. If a person claims that you are to blame for his/her own behaviors, it's because that person does not want to deal with the responsibility of changing those behaviors and of acknowledging how they affect you. It's far easier for this person to tell you that the problem lies with you rather than working on the problem that is in fact their own.
Some of the worst offenders of this redirected blame are abusers. I worked in a domestic violence shelter for about a year, and virtually every woman who passed through told me the exact same story: Her husband/boyfriend started off as a total charmer, impressing her and her entire family. He gradually became emotionally and physically abusive over time, and despite all her injuries and emotional pain, he blamed her for absolutely everything — every insult, every bruise, every flaw of his own. It was her fault that he hit her; she just brings out the worst in him. It was her fault that he broke her arm; she annoys him to the point where he can't control himself and harms her. It was her fault that he did this to her; she makes him do it whenever she "misbehaves" or doesn't meet his standards. His aggressive tendencies, volatile mood and behavior, and seriously fucked up way that he treats her are ALL her fault. He is not to blame at all; he can't control his violent outbursts and she pushes his buttons.
Clearly, this is all bullshit. It's far easier for an abuser to pin the blame on his/her partner than it is to admit a serious anger problem, control issues, and a desperate need for therapy. Blaming the victim is also a component of the abuse and control. She (or he) is then responsible for the way her abusive partner treats her, and she then acts in a manner that she thinks is least likely to provoke an abusive outburst. For example, let's say her husband slammed her into a wall when she didn't have dinner ready when he got home, so she then starts preparing dinner earlier. It's control. The abuser successfully shapes his partner's behavior by abusing her and by blaming her for that abuse, so he continues to do it.
If you're curious about this topic — abusive partners or specifically abusive men — I highly recommend this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft is an expert in domestic violence and has been counseling abusive men for a large part of his career. The book is aimed at women who are in abusive relationships, and Bancroft helps readers identify abusive behavior and its functions and provides the knowledge and insight necessary to leave an abusive relationship.
By no means am I claiming that Dean would have been a physically abusive boyfriend/husband. I barely knew him so I have no idea one way or the other. I am saying, however, that blaming me for his hurtful behaviors was completely unacceptable, and it's a behavior that can be abusive and controlling.
This experience with Dean taught me that if a guy blames me for his own behavior, it's a deal breaker for me. I do not want a relationship with someone who denies any impact that he has on me and/or who is unwilling to change behaviors that hurt me. When someone cares about you, that person will not want to hurt you. And if he/she does hurt you unintentionally, that person will value your feelings enough to change whatever that hurtful behavior was. Blaming you for his/her own hurtful behavior is cowardly, arrogant, manipulative, and abusive.
Since Dean, I encountered one more scenario where a guy I was dating did not take responsibility for his actions and blamed me instead, but I recognized the function of his behavior and its inappropriateness much more quickly than I did with Dean. Every guy I date teaches me at least one very valuable lesson, whether he intends to or not, and that's just something I have to remind myself every time a budding relationship doesn't work out. Recognizing potentially abusive behavior is a very important lesson indeed.
What ultimately happened with Dean is that I told him about a behavior that was hurting me, and his response was to blame everything on me. My own statements elicited his judgmental mindset. It was my fault. I provoked every conclusion he made about me. It was my fault.
There was also something he said in a message after I told him he made me feel bad about myself:
"In it [my text message] you blame me for how you feel. You should know that no one can make you feel something but if you do feel something, it is because you choose to and I know you are stronger than that."
Apparently my feelings were my fault too. I chose to feel bad about myself, and it meant I was weak. It was my fault. While Dean is right in the sense that our own cognitions and the way we interpret things have the greatest impact on our mood and feelings, he's also wrongly removing himself from all responsibility. If a friend or partner announces you are fat, dumb, and ugly, are you more or less likely to have that negative thought about yourself? Or to question its possibility? Probably more. If your friend or partner makes that statement repeatedly, are you more or less likely to start believing it? Probably more. Those thoughts can then lead to feelings of sadness, anger, hurt, etc. While it is ultimately our own thoughts that influence our feelings, other people's behaviors can influence the thoughts that we have to begin with and the interpretations that we make. Thus, although indirect, other people can in fact affect how we feel, and it is not a "choice" as Dean claims.
I've devoted this entire post to the subject of redirected blame because I think it's important to be aware of in any relationship — romantic, familial, or platonic. If a person is treating you badly, it is not your fault. If a person claims that you are to blame for his/her own behaviors, it's because that person does not want to deal with the responsibility of changing those behaviors and of acknowledging how they affect you. It's far easier for this person to tell you that the problem lies with you rather than working on the problem that is in fact their own.
Some of the worst offenders of this redirected blame are abusers. I worked in a domestic violence shelter for about a year, and virtually every woman who passed through told me the exact same story: Her husband/boyfriend started off as a total charmer, impressing her and her entire family. He gradually became emotionally and physically abusive over time, and despite all her injuries and emotional pain, he blamed her for absolutely everything — every insult, every bruise, every flaw of his own. It was her fault that he hit her; she just brings out the worst in him. It was her fault that he broke her arm; she annoys him to the point where he can't control himself and harms her. It was her fault that he did this to her; she makes him do it whenever she "misbehaves" or doesn't meet his standards. His aggressive tendencies, volatile mood and behavior, and seriously fucked up way that he treats her are ALL her fault. He is not to blame at all; he can't control his violent outbursts and she pushes his buttons.
Clearly, this is all bullshit. It's far easier for an abuser to pin the blame on his/her partner than it is to admit a serious anger problem, control issues, and a desperate need for therapy. Blaming the victim is also a component of the abuse and control. She (or he) is then responsible for the way her abusive partner treats her, and she then acts in a manner that she thinks is least likely to provoke an abusive outburst. For example, let's say her husband slammed her into a wall when she didn't have dinner ready when he got home, so she then starts preparing dinner earlier. It's control. The abuser successfully shapes his partner's behavior by abusing her and by blaming her for that abuse, so he continues to do it.
If you're curious about this topic — abusive partners or specifically abusive men — I highly recommend this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft is an expert in domestic violence and has been counseling abusive men for a large part of his career. The book is aimed at women who are in abusive relationships, and Bancroft helps readers identify abusive behavior and its functions and provides the knowledge and insight necessary to leave an abusive relationship.
By no means am I claiming that Dean would have been a physically abusive boyfriend/husband. I barely knew him so I have no idea one way or the other. I am saying, however, that blaming me for his hurtful behaviors was completely unacceptable, and it's a behavior that can be abusive and controlling.
This experience with Dean taught me that if a guy blames me for his own behavior, it's a deal breaker for me. I do not want a relationship with someone who denies any impact that he has on me and/or who is unwilling to change behaviors that hurt me. When someone cares about you, that person will not want to hurt you. And if he/she does hurt you unintentionally, that person will value your feelings enough to change whatever that hurtful behavior was. Blaming you for his/her own hurtful behavior is cowardly, arrogant, manipulative, and abusive.
Since Dean, I encountered one more scenario where a guy I was dating did not take responsibility for his actions and blamed me instead, but I recognized the function of his behavior and its inappropriateness much more quickly than I did with Dean. Every guy I date teaches me at least one very valuable lesson, whether he intends to or not, and that's just something I have to remind myself every time a budding relationship doesn't work out. Recognizing potentially abusive behavior is a very important lesson indeed.