I went out last night for my friend's birthday dinner and while I was there, Chris (we'll call him Chris) started messaging me via the Facebook Messenger app and invited me out for a drink after the birthday event.
Chris is the roommate of the guy I've been stuck on for nearly the past year — Mike. While Mike and I only officially dated for a couple weeks last August (and by "officially dated," I mean we regularly spent time together and exclusively saw each other with the intention of pursuing a relationship), we've had this off-and-on series of flirtations, physical intimacy, and pseudo-dates ever since then. Last December, while Mike and I were on again, Chris, Mike, and another friend of theirs were planning to see the Suicide Girls and already held tickets which they had purchased a while back. However, when the evening of the show finally arrived, Mike's ungodly amount of homework forbade him to leave the house for more than thirty seconds, so he offered his ticket to me.
Naturally I responded with, "HELL YEAH!!!" or something to that effect. Upon receiving this offer about fifteen minutes before Chris and his friend were planning to leave, I leaped into my car and then cursed at every red light and sped between them all the way to Chris and Mike's house. I jumped out the door and saw Mike.
"Did I make it in time?!"
"Just barely. Y'all need to leave right now."
Chris and his friend walked up right behind him and made a beeline for Chris' car. They were very nicely dressed... Chris was wearing a button-down shirt and suit jacket and completed the look with a fedora. His friend (female) was wearing essentially the same thing, but chose a fitted cardigan rather than a suit jacket. As I looked down at my Wonder Woman t-shirt and the dozen holes in my jeans, I spoke my thoughts to Mike.
"I suddenly feel very underdressed. Is this appropriate attire for this event?"
"You look beautiful, darlin'."
Mike grabbed my waist and kissed me for a few seconds before Chris announced, "We need to go."
"Bye, Mike."
"Have fun, beautiful."
I then got in the vehicle with Mike's roommate whom I barely knew at all and his friend whom I had never met before for a ninety minute drive to a burlesque show. I see no way this could possibly go wrong. For a spontaneous evening with two perfect strangers, it actually went really well and we all had a great time. We chatted and laughed the whole drive there and back and exchanged our ongoing commentary during the show.
Chris seemed like a nice guy and while a little on the quiet/introverted side, he was still talkative and revealed a good sense of humor. He was a third year law student and worked at a restaurant in town. I never really noticed him though — in terms of potential romance — because I was involved and infatuated with Mike at the time. In fact, even during the Suicide Girls performance, Mike and I were texting. And when we arrived back to Mike and Chris' place and I was about to head home, Mike and I went outside and made out for about twenty minutes. Like I said, I was far too distracted to even notice Chris.
However, I enjoyed Chris' company that evening and got to know him a little so I sent him a friend request on Facebook — emphasis on the word friend. I was surprised when Chris started messaging me on Facebook occasionally after that, even after Mike and I had called things off again. At first, I didn't think much of it; after all, I was the one who added him so it seemed perfectly appropriate and friendly to say hi a few times. It wasn't just a few times though. I was soon regularly receiving messages from Chris. Is he interested in me? I've had this ongoing thing with his roommate though... dating him would just be so awkward. It didn't take long before he suggested we "catch up sometime." Perhaps this was presumptuous of me but I interpreted this as him asking me out.
"Like a date? Mike's your friend so that would just be too weird for me, honestly."
"Ha meant as a friend. Am actually sorta seeing someone right now anyway, nothing official though."
Okay, maybe I jumped to conclusions then. And I'm slightly embarrassed now. If he really just wants to be friends, that's fine.
"Oh, okay. Yeah, we can hang out sometime."
"I'd never go after a woman Mike's been with or interested in."
Okay, sounds legit. Gosh, I shouldn't assume things like that.
Occasional messaging continued (always initiated by him), but I didn't think much of it after that conversation. However, my suspicions returned in February when he was contemplating buying a high-end camera similar to my own. While he started the conversation with questions about my camera and my opinions on Canon vs. Nikon, he soon said this:
"You should come by sometime and let me play with your camera, nothing like seeing the real thing to help make a decision. lol"
Hmm... Maybe he IS interested? He said he wanted to be friends though, and maybe he really does just want to experiment with my camera. You remember how hard it was to pick your camera when you were in the market for one.
"Yeah, you can play with it. My favorite feature is its low-light performance. Just incredible."
He promptly followed up by suggesting a place and time to meet up, and I agreed under the condition that I could only stick around for maybe thirty minutes because I had so much work to do (which was absolutely true). A few days later, on the drive to the coffee shop where we were meeting, I felt uneasy about it. The only time I've ever hung out with this guy was at that burlesque show; we really don't know each other. Is this normal? To hang out with exes' friends or friends' ex-flames? And if this is sincerely about the camera, doesn't he have other friends who are interested in photography and who have fancy cameras? Just stop it; even if he is in fact interested in you, who cares? The worst that could happen is an awkward "Hey, I like you" comment. It'll be fine.
I walked through the door and didn't see him, so I headed over to the coffee line for my drink. I looked over and there he was — walking through the door and heading my direction.
"Hey, Chris, good to see you."
*Smile* "You too."
"Here's my camera!"
Conversation was pretty effortless and we had fun walking around town taking photos. He also took a fantastic photo of me buying Girl Scout Cookies, capturing my euphoria tearing open my Samoas and Tagalongs. True to his word, he behaved genuinely interested in the camera and never suggested any romantic interest in me. After about an hour had passed, I insisted on getting back to work and we parted ways. Seriously? All that worrying and look what happened. He really did just want to play with your camera. You need to quit worrying about silly things like this. He's obviously not interested in you, so there's nothing awkward about this situation.
Occasional messaging continued as before (as did several more flirtatious and/or intimate encounters with Mike — but that's a story for another day).
Now on to the present day. Last night, Chris invited me to "catch up" at a bar that I frequent anyway. I said sure; and after my friend's birthday event ended, I headed downtown and met him at the bar. While everything was pleasant at first, he soon started talking to the girls sitting beside us at the bar and accepted their invitation when they suggested we join them on the balcony. I felt okay with that but when he started expressing interest in the brunette, I honestly felt a little uncomfortable. Why did you invite me to join you if you just wanted to pick up girls? Couldn't you have done that without me? I'm not one of your guy friends. The four of us chatted a while, and we quickly learned that the brunette was bisexual and had just broken up with her girlfriend. The two girls left to use the restroom at one point, and I took the opportunity to laugh at Chris and say,
"So, this is hilarious. We were just talking about how you make bad dating decisions and it turns out the one you're interested in is gay."
"No, she's bisexual."
"Regardless, she just broke up with her girlfriend. I don't see anything positive coming from this."
"Actually, I've had a lot more things happen with bisexual girls than straight girls."
"Okay then. You do what you've gotta do."
The girls came back, had another drink with us, and then decided they wanted to move on to another bar — a very undergraddy party bar that I prefer to avoid. As they walked away, Chris told me he wanted to go with them and invited me to join.
"No thanks, that's not really my kind of place."
"Well, I'm going. I want that number."
"Okay, good luck."
"Good catching up with you though. We shouldn't wait another six months to do it again."
"Yeah, good seeing you too."
"Bye."
I went back inside and sat at the bar for a few minutes before closing my tab and going home. About twenty minutes later, Chris messaged me on Facebook.
C: "It went badly but not for the reason you would expect. Also, for what it's worth, sorry I bailed on you after inviting you out."
Me: "She bumped into a girl she liked?"
C: "No. She was actually talking to me. Her drunk friend told me to stop looking at her friend and suggested I leave."
Me: "Hahahaha yeah... I guess that comes with the territory when you hit on drunk girls."
C: "She wasn't that drunk. Her friend was shit faced. Eh lesson learned I shouldn't have bailed on you, but I knew you weren't interested in me, and well ya gotta go where there might be a chance of meeting someone. Meeting people in this town sucks."
Wait what? Is he implying that he WANTS me to be interested in him? Umm... I'm just going to ignore that comment.
Me: "Damn straight. Scorn me and the fates will scorn you. Mwa ha ha ha ha."
C: "Can you blame me for wanting to meet someone? lol This town sucks."
Me: "Yes, I blame you."
C: "Sarcasm?"
Me: "I'm fucking with you. It's late; I really didn't care. But yeah, I get it, I'd like to meet someone too. I've learned bars really aren't the best way to do that though."
C: "Shame you never gave me the time of day because I was Mike's roommate."
Fuck. Seriously?
Me: "You guys live together... that would be all kinds of awkward."
C: "And when he moves out..."
Me: "I don't know."
C: "Easy question really. Is Mike the only thing stopping you from getting to know me or are you just not interested?"
Me: "Honestly, I never even entertained the idea because you two live together. And I didn't know you were interested. So this is new and I really don't know what to think right now."
C: "Well whatever you think, please don't bring it up to him. Last thing I need is the last month he lives here to be awkward. But yeah, I've been interested for a while."
I KNEW it...
Me: "I'm not going to say anything to him. I don't really talk to him anyway. But thanks. That's nice."
C: "Think about it and let me know. I don't want to make things awkward, but if it's his living here then I want to get to know you once he's gone. Sorry to throw this on you like this."
And here I am... trying to figure out what to do and how to handle this. My intuition is telling me, "HELL NO. Stay away," but at the same time I'm trying to keep an open mind and not write off someone who I may in fact be compatible with. I spoke with a friend about this situation today, and he confirmed a lot of my reservations while also pointing out some things I hadn't considered. Together, we reached the following conclusions:
Inviting me out and then ditching me to chase some other girl is a douche move, whether he's interested in me or not. You don't treat friends that way, nor do you treat romantic interests that way. Second, comments such as "I've had a lot more things happen with bisexual girls than straight girls" and "I want that number" are entirely inappropriate. Don't tell me about your sex life, and don't blatantly pursue another girl when you're supposedly interested in me. Third, don't suggest secretly dating and hiding it from Mike. That makes you a shitty friend and a shady potential boyfriend. Fourth, you should have paid for my drink. Fifth, what's with the accusatory and demanding attitude? I haven't done anything wrong here, and I'm not some whore you can pass around among friends. I never entertained the thought of dating you because I was with Mike AND because you're his roommate and his friend.
The gentlemanly thing to do here would have been to stay with me when I said I didn't want to go to the second bar, refrain from sexual comments and from hitting on other women, inform me AND Mike of his interest in me, pay for my drink, and ask me on a date. If he had done all these things, I would have much more seriously considered giving him a chance, despite the awkwardness with Mike. Given what actually happened though, I'm really leaning toward a response of no and am already contemplating exactly what to say when I reject him. However, my friend suggested I give him a chance and go on a couple dates with him. Then I'll get to know him better, have a couple fun evenings, and can decide at that point what I want to do. I haven't decided how I'm going to handle this yet; I don't know what to do. I guess I'll keep thinking about it for another day or two.